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Find the Perfect Transition Lenses

I’d like to address the question of whether King Henry the eighth and Frankie Dean could have been besties had there not been that slight problem of a five hundred year age difference.

King Henry, you may remember was the maritally challenged lard arse with a gigantic cod piece who ruled England in an age when people were routinely disembowelled, beheaded, quartered or incinerated just for looking at the king funny. Now just imagine how online spectacles delivered to Hampton Palace door at any single point along the rocky road of Henry marital disasters could have changed the course of history. Maybe even given an actual happy marriage, Henry wouldn’t have turned to so much food and actually held off on that fourth chook for dinner.

Number 1: Catherine of Aragon was a vertically challenged Spanish princess who’d been married to Henry’s dead brother. Marrying her first was a classic case of it seemed a good idea at the time, but had some retro transition lenses arrived quickly for Henry to see not only indoors but out, that Catherine had a tendency to stack on the kilos herself, and that she spent far too long on her knees praying for her to be a good candidate for producing royal sprogs.

Number 2: Ann Boleyn was the first carrot dangled in front of Henry for political advancement of the Howard family. With his Frankie Dean’s, Henry would have noticed Ann was sly looking rather than hot, she had dollar signs for eyes, and on one hand there was the beginnings of a sixth finger. In short the woman probably bewitched poor fat Henry and he was too short sighted to notice it happening.

Number 3: Jane Seymour. After sneaky Ann, Henry probably thought Jane looked pure and good. With Frankie Deans he would have caught on that she was more likely a vacuous sewing fanatic whose potential progeny were not going to benefit the royal gene pool at all.

Number 4: Anne of Cleves, Henry ungenerously nicknamed “The Flanders mare.’ With his piggy face adorned with transition lenses, Henry would have not made such a snap judgement and sacked this queen before she even came inside and made it to the royal bed. This lady was a lot hotter than she is given credit for and had he been able to seeinside gloomy Hampton Court Palace or out in the forest, Henry may have noticed he was mistaken and then been able to keep up his royal sprog ratio of one kid per wife.

Number 5: Katherine Howard was a seventeen year old nymphet, the second human carrot dangled in front of poor dumb Henry now totally ruled by the inhabitants of his own royal ballroom. On this occasion, once he’d mastered his new transition lenses, Henry would have noticed little Katie’s “come to bed looks” were being exchanged not with him but with Thomas Culpepper, resident court spunk. Henry may have then been saved the embarrassment of public tales of Queen Katie’s infidelity getting around and him cornering the market on the saying, “there’s no fool like an old royal fool.” And of course the royal axe may not have had to be worn out on a teenage bimbo.

Number 6: Catherine Parr: Now’s here’s a lady Henry should have spotted years ago across a crowded court with transition lenses, before committing himself to tubby Cath, Sneaky Ann, Thick Jane, Alien Anne, or Space Cadet Katie. With Catherine on his arm and Frankie Deans perched on the royal nose, Henry would have become a royal marvel rather than history’s marital monster.

Yes Frankie Dean could be best friend to Henry and you!

Learn more about the author Natalie Swinton, today.